For a one shot that is principally about a drunken seduction, it was pretty well written and tasteful.

Hi,

This is my first time reviewing fiction/fanfiction.  I just wanted to say that I thought the writing was very clear and strong. If you end up publishing this story you may want to condense some parts of the courtship between Jasper and Bella. But I just want to say that even the long parts were compelling. I think what I like best about your approach is that you have captured the essense of both main characters barely hinted at in Stephenie Meyer's original work.

There's a wonderful symmetry in your story. Alice and Edward had a very strong and intimate bond in life, although they were not sexual partners in life, but they end up dying together for each other (very much in the medieval romantic chivalric tradition). Their surviving partners find solace in each other in a very  earth centered carnal, but nontheless fulfilling way that is contemporary and modern. Personally, I think I prefer your story over Stephenie Meyer's(notwithstanding how much I love Edwardnwarts and all). Your take on the characters is much more truthful and genuine. This is a Bella I can finally respect and understand. At last, we have a vampire who is a man and mercifully acts like man.

I must say that your story is a much more satisfying. Normally, I am a very squeamish audience, but I think you handled the sexual intimacy with the right amount of balance without going overboard with the titillation. 

About Bella's language is her crudeness transitory? I understand she went through a lot, but personally, I can't stand the stream of profanity coming out of her mouth. Even Emmett doesn't talk that way. There are times when her bawdiness and crudeness are pitch perfect (her dismissal of Aro, the way she can make Emmett almost blush), but even with Jasper she uses the f word and I don't know, sometimes  I long for the polite non-crude Bella.

Anyway, I think what draws me to your story is the respect for psychic pain in the tradition of the great Greek tragedies. Bella's pain is expiatory and redeeming in a spiritual way, and I absolutely love that Bella's gift is to heal the soul. I think Stephenie Meyer for all her talk in the novel about the importance of the soul was all talk and no action. And how wonderful that for the first time we have a possible direction for Bella's "life's work" -- architecture. In the Stephenie Meyer's books I always wondered what she was going to do with herself. That always rattled me.

If I may offer a few humble suggestions for I am not a writer nor a professional critic I would like to see Jasper defend Edward. Jasper through his powers would have known how much Edward loved Bella. Edward was very flawed and his weaknesses cost  him his love and his life -- but that bit in the story where Bella says Edward was stuck at 17 or that he may have been too young when he was changed comes across as a cheap shot. If Jasper has to deal with Alice's overbearing and controlling nature through his grieving process, then Bella needs to deal with Edward's idealized notion of love. She concedes this in a way to Rose, but I think as part of her growth, she needs to really accept that Edward loved her -- and Jasper should be the one to reassure her.

I personally would want to see Bella propose marriage to Japser. In this story she is battered and broken and emotionally withdrawn when Jasper finds her. One of the most beautiful parts of this story is when she goes back to Forks with Jasper to visit her loved ones's graves. She does this as a final "human" act before committing to her new life as a vampire. Why not take that last exchange in Eclipse when Bella tells Edward that her final human act would be to tie herself to her true love. Bella proposing marriage to Jasper might be a metaphor for the human Bella to show that she is emotionally capable of committing herself. The marriage would be for her, not for Jasper -- he doesn't need it.

Moreover, it would be great to see Bella's version of a wedding -- barefoot, in jeans with a white woven cotton top and a wreath of flowers in her hair surrounded by a small group of friends and family. Maybe Garret can symbolically walk her down the aisle, and Carlisle can perform the rites.  Also it would be great if they could get married right before Aro shows up. Then Jasper's lament that he would have planned to change Bella differently and in a more intimate way would have more pathos.

About the yoga -- is that a metaphor for religion? Anyway, I like that you use yoga as a way for Bella to center herself. Jasper makes a very interesting comment to Bella that she needs to find happiness within herself. Perhaps there's a way to have her find peace through yoga during one of his hunting trips away from Jasper -- she hates being away for even 2 minutes. Just like Jasper learns to desensitize himself from blood, maybe Bella learns to develop some kind of workable balance.  Also, yoga has a very powerful erotic component that it might be interesting to explore. What I am getting at is it would be wonderful to experiment with some tantric yoga positions -- where the lovers twist themselves in unconventional ways for reasons other than feeling "hot."

About Bella's sexual awakening or lack of it, I am ambivalent its treatment in your stroy. The premise of your story is that she ended up with Jake by default because Edward never returned. She didn't get to make a choice like she does in Eclipse. In New Moon, we know before Alice shows up that Bella was ready to give in to Jake. He was second best-- even Jakes knows this. In your story the relationship progresses and they plan to marry, but it doesn't work out. Then she gets involved with a monster, David. When Bella and Jasper become lovers in your story, Bella seems unbelievably sexually liberated from the start. Personally, I don't buy it. She has been rejected over and over again. While it is credible that Bella would immediately be aroused by a very vibrant Jasper and fall in love with him, I don't see how Bella could truly be sexually aware and adventurous without a little bit more time and prodding and reassurance from Jasper. I think Jasper needs to teach (not remind) Bella what is means to be  sexually assertive and intimate. So I think there needs to be a conversation about her prior experiences. When Bella screams out Jasper's name, it is a big deal. It's a big deal because she is opening herself up, she is making herself vulnerable and she is letting herself feel (something Jake alludes to in New Moon when he kisses her in the clearing). In your story, there's a cute intimate scene with Bella screaming -- but is comes off as horny adult Bella, and not, this huge awakening. (Okay, I probably am overthinking this).

Is it possible for Jasper to take Bella to Texas to show her where it all began with him. (How interesting that Bella and Jasper are both from the Southwest starting out from relatively humble beginnings relative to Edward and Alice).

Anyway, I love your story. It is so intimate, so carefully and lovingly crafted. It's so mercifully mature and tackles some pretty interesting and worthwhile topics. Stephenie Meyer tapped into an intriguing archetype when she wrote the Twilight saga. I congratulate you on your brilliant rendering of that mystery and magic in your writing. I wish you much continued success as you complete your work.

The reference to "manhood" and "unit" while describing Bella's erotic daydream during the car ride was oddly anachronistic. I'm sure the Harlequin Romance novels would do a better job. Mind you, I'm not a writer, so I'm not sure I would do better. But still...

You do a good job of making your point and moving on. It's (you story) is pretty easy to read.