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Reviewer: Judge Fiery Signed [Report This]
Date: 24 Jul 2012 5:01 PM Title: Chapter 1

Like Judge SpankMe, I agree that the back-and-forth perspectives can be jarring, and the experience of events through both characters can be redundant. I'm not really feeling distinct personalities coming through, so their dialogue sounds a bit stilted and forced. I'd like to have a more solid picture of who each of them is. That's likely to make the reader more invested in finding out about them.

However, there's potential here -- it's easy to enjoy a lifelong friendship turning into romance. 

Author's Response:

This is my first go at a double Point of View in a story but I really wanted to show both of their sides.  There is two sides to very couples so I wanted to show that and honestly what happens to each of them is still diffferent in their own eyes.  No two people see things exactly the same.  In every story you learn more and more about characters as time goes on, you do not meet someone and know their life story in a few days so I will be showing more and more of them as it progresses.

Reviewer: JUDGE-SpankMe Signed [Report This]
Date: 23 Jul 2012 3:58 AM Title: Chapter 3

Hello BDM,

Ha, nice initials!  Just sayin'.  Ok, I think that your story has potential.  Honestly, the format is a little hard for me, the back and forth can be a bit distractng.  

Same advice for you as so many others.

Same issue I am seeing, so repeating my sentiment.Typos, grammar and punctuation can really distract even the best stories.  


I would highly recommend that before you post chapter 4, should you make it in the top 12, I would find a couple people that could possibly proofread.  

Keep in mind, you are writing for a contest, a contest that could potentially get you a contract to publish your story,  Please put some time into the editing side as well.  If you write FF, find a beta if you don't have one...there are several that would probably be more than happy to help you out.

Good Luck in the Contest!

Author's Response:

Thanks for the advise, I will take it all into consideration.  I appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment.

and the intials, HAHA glad you like, didn't really notice till you said that.  

Reviewer: candyscarlet Signed starstarhalf-star [Report This]
Date: 19 Jul 2012 5:14 PM Title: Chapter 1

oooh. I feel like I'm Mallory. I get her like you can't believe. this could really go somewhere for me because I reallyl relate to Mallory. Tyler isn't as clear to me yet but there's plenty of time to build him. good start.

Author's Response:

Thanks for your comment, obviously I get Mallory.  Her point of view is my own but Tyler.....he will be become clearer as he speaks to us more and more.  Thanks for your comment, I love getting feedback.  

Thinking of bringing my other story over here too.

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