Date: 09 Jun 2016 8:31 AM Title: Chapter 1
You have some good things going for you and some not so good things. Paragraphs would be nice. Non-chalet? Is that like not a ski-type house? Nonchalant is the word you were looking for, most likely. Google that shit. You need someone to help you.
Thank you for the criticism I do appreciate any good or bad, and yes I see now that I put not-chalet instead of non-chalant. At that time I was writing out chapters every night at like 3 in the morning and with it being only me to check over my own work I made a couple mistakes here and there that I didn't catch. I do have an understanding of grammar but again am susceptible to human error as is anyone. As for the paragraphs, I am still trying to figure out how to use this damn upload thing for some reason it won't let me just attach the file so I have to input it all in the text box and scour through it.
Date: 25 Sep 2015 10:52 AM Title: Chapter 6
Bella has Aro's gift? to see one's life with a touch?
Edward is right, the little game of Alice and Jasper did not tell Bella whom was her boyfriend, did she not have the right to choose whether she wanted to be a vampire, it seems is what Bella is now a vampire. He was disturbed boyfriend's head that bit?
Date: 22 Aug 2015 2:09 PM Title: Chapter 5
Wow, she got in the cab of Danny, how? Jasper did nothing to protects her, he simply handed Bella Danny? I'm even suspicious Jasper just took Bella to this place because I knew Danny would find .... Jasper is Danny are friends? If not, what is the power that Danny has to deliver Bella Jasper without trying to protect her?
If I understand, Danny Renne killed, butchered and divided the internal organs? What is Danny? A psychopath? As Jasper says Bella is your favorite person if he is going to kill your entire family? Charlie should be the next, poor .... and as the Cullens have left Danny kill humans? The Volturi will stop appearing.
Super curious here, lol. X
Date: 21 Aug 2015 6:28 PM Title: Chapter 4
I wonder who put Bella naucateada? Alice? Esward? Or was Danny? This friend Jasper talks would be Danny? And different is that Danny? And as well, Bella be the favorite person of Danny? Need very bad answer here .... I'm going with a real headache, lol. X
Date: 21 Aug 2015 1:57 PM Title: Chapter 2
Renne thought being away from Bella Danny, but did not, he went after her. Following the chapter, I realized that Danny already know or knew the Cullens? If so, he seemed to confront the vampire family. I wonder, after reading the cabin in the forest, if the aunt as he says, or is it Danny. If Danny, he has known the Cullens in the past when he and Cullen lived in Forks? Danny is a shifter like the Quileute? He is a Quileute? Or a legitimate Werewolf (children of the moon)? Or other thing.... I am very curious.
You know make a suspense holding readers' attention, congratulations. X
Date: 21 Aug 2015 1:26 PM Title: Chapter 1
His story is amazing, but I wonder if Bella is anything but an ordinary human .... so I came after the written "... I awoke in a cold sweat and swallowed hard the all of the different smells in the small room slammed into me. Blood. fear. Decay ..... "
If Bella can smell mainly of fear, then it may be that she is more than a human, right? I wonder who is in that room or room scared and bleeding where she woke up hearing what looks like a saw ...... someone is cutting with a saw someone else? If so, that someone being cut is dead or alive? Because her smell fear, thought to be alive and seeing this happen to another that is already dead? Is she in the queue to be killed and cut too? Mal began to read the story and I'm full of questions thousand, lol.
Lovin 'your story :)